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planetross

Giant Bonsai Trees

I have giant bonsai trees in my yard.

The people who lived here before me must have failed their bonsai class, so they planted them.

There is not much else you can do with giant bonsai trees.
They are too small to cut up for firewood and too big to stay in a pot.

They are useless once planted too!
You can never hang a birdfeeder or tire swing from them.
They only provide shade to ants.
Kids can’t climb them.
They never grow big enough to create a privacy barrier.

It’s sad really.
Poor giant bonsai trees.

note: I guess dwarfed giant redwood trees just look like regular redwood trees. They can still lead productive lives.

Greenhouses

Greenhouse Gases, Greenhouse Emissions, Greenhouse Effect.

I bet greenhouse manufacturers don’t like their product being associated with global warming.

Describing global warming using the greenhouse analogy is pretty easy to understand, but probably a lot of people subconsciously believe greenhouses are bad or at least look on them suspiciously.

In the summer, they are definitely bad to work in.

At 19 a friend and I removed the old plastic coverings from 10 large greenhouses.

That was hot work: we sweated like crazy working inside them.
I guess we could have removed the plastic from the outside, but we were 19 and not so smart.

They should put air-conditioners in those things!

note: If you are in a greenhouse during an earthquake, you don’t have to worry about being buried alive in the rubble. And if you are buried alive, people will be able to spot you quickly.

Salt and Pepper

Salt and pepper the best of friends side by side in matching shakers on the kitchen table.

But what if their names were switched: pepper was called salt and vice versa?
Would we be saying…

pepper and vinegar chips, pepper lick, PEPPER 1 and 2, pepper mines, pepper of the earth, Pepper Lake City, peppertines, peppery dog, pepper flats, pepperwater, and pepper the road?

saltridge farms, salt spray, Sgt. Salt's Lonely Hearts Club Band, saltmint (Patty), Dr. Salt, salt corn, saltoni sausage, green/red/bell salt, and put some salt on that ball?

Sheriff J.W. Salt from Live and Let Die?

note: I guess pepper would kill slugs, and salt would just make their eyes red and cause them to sneeze.

The Glass Eye

“In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.“ Tom Waits in Singapore.

Tom Shanks had lost one eye in a childhood accident and now had a glass eye.

He joined the local rugby team and on the first day of practice enthusiastically joined in the intersquad scrimmage.

20 minutes in to the practice game, the coach spotted Tom behind the play on his hands and knees.

“Get moving Shanks“, the coach shouted. Tom didn’t get up.

The coach ran over to him. “What’s your problem?” he yelled.

“I’ve lost my eye“, Tom replied.

“Quit screwing around“, the coach screamed.

Tom, still on his hands and knees, lifted and turned his head to face the coach.
“It’s gone” he muttered, as he lifted his eyelid to reveal an empty eye socket.

The blood drained from the coach’s face.

“Oh, here it is!” Tom said with relief; rubbed the eye on his shirt, popped it back into his head, and trotted back to the play.

Snake Wrangler

My older sister has always had a job. Always!

Collecting pop and beer bottles, shining our Dad’s shoes, picking blackberries, …

The most unique was catching and selling snakes at 10 years old.

Someone advertised for snakes in the local newspaper: 10 cents for small ones, 15 cents for big ones.
My sister enlisted her friends and myself; we looked in fields, flipped over plywood sheets in empty lots, and scoured the bushes.

We found a few and deposited them in our plastic bucket.

My sister had the great idea of looking in people’s backyards: compost piles were here goal.

She knocked on neighbour’s doors, told them of our mission, and was never turned away.
We collected about 90 garter snakes over a weekend.

The people buying the snakes wanted them for a university lab.

We were their only suppliers.
They were surprised to be doing business with a 10 and 7 year old.
We got about $11 for the snakes; pretty good money back in 1972.

My sister put her share in the bank; I blew mine on candy.

Barber Shops

Barbers really have their act together.

They are the only profession to have a universally recognized symbol: the swirly red, blue, and white pole.
The obvious symbol choice would have been a pair of scissors, but some forward thinking barber must have envisioned women’s beauty salons claiming that one.

While optometrists still argue over the giant pair of glasses or the eyeball and Locksmiths are split on whether to use the key or the lock as a symbol, those barbers are sitting pretty.

Flower shops, coin laundries, pet shops, and dry cleaners can’t reach a consensus on anything!

Some ice cream shops have the

big ice cream cone that lights up,

but it doesn’t seem to be universal.

Anyone can have one of those;

I even have one in my house!

I raise my glass of barbicide to you, Mr. Barber.

note: Why are there no Locksmith Duos, Coin Laundry Trios, or Flower Shop 5s?

double note: photo of a wannabee barber shop.