Leftovers or Remnants?

I've seen a friend put one grape into a tupperware container and store it in the fridge to eat later.
I saw it with my own eyes! I swear!

I asked him why?

Because I can't eat it now. I'm full," he said.

Tupperware must love him.

Looking through other people's fridges is a real eye opener: salad dressing bottles with a few drops congealing at the bottom, half a piece of toast wrapped up in tinfoil, a fuzzy green blob of something that may have once been a small mouthful of cheese.

To bastardize Shakespeare:

Something from Denmark is in a state of rotting.

note: bathroom cabinets are worse usually.

Sponsored By ....

Countries should get companies to advertise on their flags.
I'd bet some countries could pay off their debts quickly and painlessly with the right sponsor.
Countries seem to take their flags a bit too seriously anyway.
It's just a bit of cloth.

The apple symbol or Colonel Sanders would look quite nice on the Canadian flag.

South Korea's flag already looks like the Pepsi symbol.

The U.S. flag could have 63 corporate sponsors (they have a big debt). One in each star and thirteen for the stripes. Stripe sponsors would have to pay more: stripes are bigger.

Maybe some of the richest countries don't need sponsors, but they could change their flags anyway. I'm sure an ad executive somewhere could come up with something better than stripes, triangles, crosses, stars, circles, or moons.

Advertising is everywhere anyway, why not make it work in your favour?

Detoxification

I'm not usually too interested in anything I classify as touchy feely.

I'm a cynic.

But I'm interested/curious about things that purge or cleanses the body: ear cleaning, facial and body scrubs, and body detoxification.

I've tried the first 2 and would like to try the 3rd.

A friend of mine went to Kamalaya Spa on Koh Samui in Thailand a few years ago and raves about it. One week of body detoxification left him lighter, healthier, and full on energy.

There are enemas involved.
I'm not into those, but if that's what it takes then so be it.

I'd like to see what extra stuff I've been packing around inside of me all these years.

Maybe I'd find that penny I swallowed as a kid.
Maybe I'd find my gullibility, naivity, or sense of wonder. I haven't seen those for a while.
Maybe I could get rid of my jadedness, cynicism, or that broken heart I think I'm still carrying around.

It would be interesting.

I think afterwards I would celebrate with a big steak and a bunch of beer!

Weights and Measures Redux

Canada went metric in 1977 when I was 12 years old.
Other than the funny ruler I had to use, I adapted.

I consider myself bilingual in the weights and measures department.

When I worked at a gas station, I had lots of fun with American tourists.

American Tourist: "How many litres in a gallon?"

Me: "Which gallon, an Imperial gallon or a U.S. gallon?"

American Tourist: "Just fill it up, and I'll pay for it with your colorful play money."

I thought I was pretty smart until I stepped on a scale in England and weighed 13 stone!

What's that about?

Do they measure people in hands as well?

Fortress of Solitude

Superman has his Fortress of Solitude: a place to get away from it all.
I think everyone has a place like that.

A friend of mine goes to the local river to do this.
Another friend has a little office above a stationery shop.

My Fortress of Solitude is an onsen.
Onsens (hotbaths) are very popular in Japan. Everyone goes to them.
For about 5 dollars; I can sit and think, collect my thoughts, and make decisions.
Just me and 10 to 30 other people sitting in a hotspring fed pool.

I guess it is a communal Fortress of Solitude.

It even has a restaurant and gift shop!

Superman's doesn't.
or
at least they don't show it in the movies.

Bull's Penis

I'm pretty adventurous when it comes to food. I'll try almost anything: guinea pig, grasshoppers, raw horse, live fish, strange stinky fruit, or unfamiliar vegetables.

A few years ago I went on a company trip to Hong Kong with all the Japanese people I work with. 6 of us went to a restaurant; everyone else ordered fried rice. It was the only thing on the menu that they recognized.
I ordered a few random things and a dish of bull's penis.

Everyone looked at me like I was queer.

The bull's penis was served all chopped up marinated in soya sauce.

They looked disappointed.
I think the others expected it to come out in one piece and erect; and that I'd start deep throating it.

After I sampled it, the others eventually tried it.

Then I called them homosexuals.

Permagrins

I don't understand why some people always have a smile on their face.
They just naturally look like they are in a state of perpetual happiness or bemusement.
It must be a genetic thing; not enough facial or lip skin to cover their teeth.

or

They do it on purpose; like the way I've sucked in my gut for the last 15 years.

Whatever the cause; they make me nervous.
I don't like it.

I tend to believe in the saying:

"If you sat on a street corner and cried all day, no one would bother you. If you sat on a street corner and laughed all day, you'd be taken to the psychiatric hospital."

Lawnmowers

I live in Japan.
I rent a house.
One of the main reasons for renting it was it has a bit of grass in the front.
It's not a big lawn: I'm sure most splatter zones on C.S.I are bigger.
But I'm happy.
Grass is a luxury for many in Japan.

It turns brown in the winter, which isn't what grass does in Canada.
But for 7 months of the year it's green and looks good.

I was so happy about the grass that I bought a lawnmower!
It looks like it's made out of Lego, and it only cuts a strip about 10cm wide (4inches).
Possibly a large dandelion could give it problems.

But I just like the fact that I have grass and a lawnmower, and most people don't.

At the moment my grass is still brown, but I'm waiting.

Free Stuff

I like getting free stuff.
I don't care what it is.
I like getting a freebie.
A free glass, a swizzle stick, a sports towel, tissues, a trial size anything...

I once got a package of sanitary napkins, but it still felt good.

The best freebie was at Moby Dick's Fish and Chips in White Rock, B.C.
A free piece of fish!
If you order 2 pieces, they give you 3. If you order 3, they give you 4.
I don't know what happens if you don't order any fish.

I'm not a big fan of point cards though.
I have a few: electronics shop, Mr. Donuts, an ear cleaning clinic.
But I usually shy away from them.
Getting enough points and redeeming them are too much effort sometimes.
There is usually some sneaky catch that makes it nearly impossible to get anything.
That just makes me mad!
And I don't need a point card for that.

Don't get me started on Airmiles!

Scarecrows

Birds can't be very smart, if they continue to be fooled by scarecrows.

or

People can't be very smart, if they continue to believe scarecrows are effective against birds.


I think people just like making scarecrows.
Maybe if they drew a really mean face on the scarecrow, that might work better.


My mother used to shoot a few crows in the early summer and hang them from our cherry trees.
That seemed to work quite well.
Crows don't like that for some reason.
Maybe they didn't like the string my mother used to tie them up.

Urinals

Urinals are so inviting.
Welcome, they seem to be saying.

They wait for you, waiting to be used.
They are sociable: you usually find them in groups.
So convenient: unzip, use, and zip.
Flushing is optional.
You can even spit in them!

Toilets are troublesome.
You have to lift the lid and seat; hopefully they stay up!
You have to flush.
You have to worry about splatter, spray and dribble.
You never know who's coming in next.
Toilets know they are undesirable: they try to entice you with magazines to read, or pictures on the walls.

3 cheers for the urinal!

What would I do without them?

Probably pee outside, like I usually do.


note: If there is more than one urinal, are they called a plurinal?

Spring

Spring has sprung
The grass has riz
I wonder where
The birdies iz
(unknown)

I saw the first sign of Spring yesterday!

No, not flower buds, green grass, or frolicking baby animals!!

Gateballers!!!!
Croquet is called gateball in Japan.
You know, mallets, wooden balls, metal hoops...

It's really popular with older to ancient people here.

I spotted a group laying out their course on a soccer field yesterday!

Funny that the first sign of Spring is old people with mallets.

Pavemental Illness

I drove on a road yesterday and it was okay: today the roadcrews are working on it.

Why are the roads always being fixed?

Is the person responsible for roadwork decisions a hypochondriac?

"Sure it looks alright, but it just doesn't feel right. We better dig it up and take a look."

"That street is turning a funny colour; I don't like it. We better resurface it."

"The leftside of the highway is okay now, but the rightside is a bit off."

"It's not right! It should be....

staighter, more curved, more banked, less banked, leveled, widened, narrowed, higher, lower, smoother, or maybe with a few more bumps."

"Maybe we need a bypass?"

"Take a few samples and send them to the lab."
"Take some photos and get a second opinion."

In summer, I think he is self-medicating!

Static

I'm looking forward to a change in the weather.

It's not that I dislike cold weather, it's just that I'm tired of getting zapped everytime I get out of my van.
It only happens in the winter.
I guess I could attach one of those strip things to ground my van, but I'm not that energetic.

I wouldn't mind it so much if I could zap other people as well; like a minor superhero.

But I only zap myself.

Maybe my powers are still evolving.

License Plates

Maybe it's just me, but....

a car without a license plate looks abandoned, undrivable, and just plain strange.

I think most countries use the license plate system; either, on the back, front, or both.
It doesn't make the people drive any better though.


I'm suspicious of dealer plates and temporary permits too.

Business Opportunites

The city I live in is a little depressed.
The population is decreasing.
Some restaurants and stores are closing down.

The city needs something to attract people.

My idea?

Mini Golf!

I haven't seen too many mini golf courses in Japan.

I bet it would be a big hit.

Because really.... who doesn't like mini golf?

Gone Gone Gone

Some things seem to disappear when travelling.

I had a pair of jeans stolen in Jakarta, Indonesia.
I wasn't seriously upset because it was on the last day of my trip.
I was just mildly agitated because I had just had them washed,
and I was going to be flying back to the cold and snow of the Northern Hemisphere.

A friend and I travelled down the west coast of the U.S. in an old van.
I put a bumper sticker on the back that said: Have a Nice Day!
Fluorescent green with psychodelic lettering.
It was a present from my brother from when he was a hippie.
I'd saved that thing for years.

Someone stole it off the van in Santa Barbara, California.

When I was staying at a hostel in Australia, someone stole shirts off of the outdoor laundry line.
Most of the shirts taken belonged to a guy who had chronic eczema all over his body.

I hope the thief was the same person who stole my bumper sticker!

New Topics

A question not asked by a 20 year old:

How long will beer last before it goes bad?


I just had a discussion with a friend about this.
I'm starting to think I am getting older.

New topics are popping up in our conversations.

And I don't think I like it.

Secret Rooms

At work I usually do a tour with some students of all the cubbie holes and hidden areas, of the building I work in, as a follow up to reading the story, "A Secret Room".
We go into the storage area under the stairs, examine cupboards that look like part of the wall, and look behind doors that don't get used very often.

There is a large crawl space under my room.
The entrance is under my desk.
The cement cover reminds me of the tunnel entrance in "The Great Escape": the one that was in the barrack's shower.

I move my desk, lift the lid, and let the kids have a look.

I tell them, this is where I put badly behaved students.

The kids usually look at me, stick their heads in the hole again, look at me again, and nervously smile.

I usually don't have any behavioural problems for at least 5 minutes.

Reflecting on Mirrors

I was thinking about magic tricks and how much I am not interested in them.
That got me thinking about optical illusions and how much I like them.
Which got me thinking about Fun House Mirrors.

In the Strathcona Hotel in Victoria, B.C. Canada they have those mirrors outside one of the bathrooms.
I think most people on the way to the toilet stop and check themselves out, do a few leg bends, and turn sideways.

I've been checking them out on-line and they are pretty reasonably priced: about $70 U.S.
My sister did say I needed more mirrors in my house!

Not sure if I will go for the original distortion mirror, the fat mirror, or the skinny mirror.

Decisions; decisions.

I want the one that makes my head real long like an Oompa Loompa.

Systematic

At work I see the same students,
at the same time,
on the same day of the week.
Sometimes for years.

I usually do my laundry on the weekends, so I start the week with all clean clothes.

I have my favourite shirts, and unconsciously wear them in the same order everyday of the week.

Some of my students have probably seen me wear the same shirt every week for months on end.

I can't wait for warmer weather, so I can start wearing my 5 t-shirts!

Teeth

In Japan there is no Tooth Fairy.
The upper teeth are thrown on the ground outside the family home.
The lower teeth are thrown up on to the roof.

No one has given me a reasonable explanation for this.

To be fair, I've only asked 6 year olds so far.

Misinterpretation

When I was in La Paz, Bolivia I shared a room with a Dutch guy for a few days.
One day he came back from wandering the city and said that he had walked by a whole area filled with brothels and sex shops.
The next day he showed me the area.

They were all unisex hair salons.

We were both disappointed.

Experimenting

I don't like going to the doctor. I try to stay away.

If I have a small problem, a doctor probably can't do anything better than to reassure me that it will go away with time and rest.

In Australia I scraped my big toe; it didn't heal.
I wore sandals all the time and it didn't hurt, so I ignored it.
When the scrape covered over with a soft milky green scab, I started to pay attention.
One day a friend asked me if I could feel anything on my big toe?
I looked down to see about 10 ants feasting on my scab.

I jumped around, screamed, and stamped my foot trying to remove them.
I eventually had to physically pick them off with my fingers.

After thinking about it for a while, I decided to let the ants work on my big toe.

2 days later, my toe was like new!

I wonder if ants can fix broken bones as well.

Chicken Bones

When I was a little kid, my older brother had a friend with a very prominent lump in his throat.
I was fascinated with that big bump.
I asked him what it was.
He told me he had swallowed a chicken bone and it was stuck there.
Everytime he visited our house, I asked him about the chicken bone.
"Still the same" he always replied.

To this day, I don't know how he got a chicken bone stuck in his Adam's Apple.

He should've been more careful when eating chicken.

Buckets

In Japan people usually sit on little plastic stools when they shower: they look like buckets with a hole in the seat.
During my first 2 years in Japan, I refused to sit down to shower: it felt unnatural.
Since then I have slowly adapted to the bucket and have assumed the position.
Actually,it's quite nice sitting down to shower.

I still don't know what the hole in the seat is for though.

Butt Fuck Nowhere

I have been in the middle of Butt Fuck Nowhere.

It's not on any map or in travel guides, but I have definately visited the place on several occasions.
It's like having an epiphany: it surprises you when you find yourself in it. "Oh! I'm in the middle of Butt Fuck Nowhere again".

You didn't see it coming.
There were no signs.
You didn't notice that you were on the outskirts or near the edge of it.
You are always in the middle of Butt Fuck Nowhere before you realize it!

It's a transient place.
It seems to move around a lot.
It's a shy place: you never find it in a big city.
It stays away from the crowds.
No one lives there; but there is usually a dog wandering around looking bewildered.

The last time I was there was in the Mato Grosso in Brazil.
Before that it was in Patagonia.
The first time I found myself in it was in Western Australia.
I've heard people claim to have stumbled on it in Northern Saskatchewan in Canada, Siberia, and Western China.

My friend said he had been there, but on cross examination I realized he had only visited Sparsely Populated Mildly Rural.
The electricity poles in his story were a give a way.

It's a good place to take a break, make a sandwich, have a cup of tea.
For some reason I'm usually with English tea fiends when I visit.
I always take a few deep breaths, gaze at the scenery or lack there of, and declare in a loud voice, "I'm in the middle of Butt Fuck Nowhere".

One Ply

I finally finished the 12 pack of one ply toilet paper I bought by mistake.

As a single guy, it lasted far too long.
Just when I thought I could open the two ply pack, there were always a few more rolls of the dreaded one ply to get through.
What was I thinking when I bought it?
It looked so nice on the shelf: fluffy, strong, bouncy, and attractive.
How was I to know it was all a lie?

Who buys one ply anyway?

Truck stops, Service areas, cheap restaurants, department stores. The list goes on and on....

Now I am back on easy streets, living in the lap of luxury.

No more dreaded shuffling off to the toilet for me!

Nursing Home Music

I'm of the opinion that every person has a "musical window": a time period where they absorbed and solidified their musical preferences.
I was hyper-sensitive and a musical sponge between 1977 and 1985. There are not too many main stream songs that I don't know from that time period: Punk, Rock, Heavy Metal, Pop, and Indie (if there was such a thing back then).

I like the older stuff, but it wasn't my time: The Beatles, The Doors, The Beach Boys, most of Led Zeppelin's discography, 50's and 60's pop music.

Post 85 music is great, but it just doesn't stir the emotions like the '77-'85 period. A few bands have come close: Weezer, Everclear, Crowded House, Nada Surf, newer Tom Waits.....

I have visited a few nursing homes on occasion and they usually have easy listen from the 40's and 50's.

I'm sure in a few years they will be playing The Beatles, The Hollies, Neil Diamond, and Barbara Streisand.

What will I be listening too?

Will I be listening to The Police, The Cars, ZZ Top, AC DC, Billy Idol, and The Stray Cats?

I hope so.

My Friends

I live in a small city in the countryside of Japan.

I have some Japanese friends, but my 2 close friends are both from Canada.

I have known both for about 10 years now.

If we lived in Canada, we would never have become friends.

We have been thrown together and have bonded because of a similar upbring, cultural roots, language, and pop culture references.

We originally tried to keep our distances; but regularly we would cross paths, need assistance in some matter, require information, or desire to be among a few fellow Canadians while watching ice hockey.

I am the odd man out: I have a standard teaching job and am quite happy to work for someone, collect my paycheck, and live stress free.

My friends are both artists: performance and musical.

Both are great at what they do.

Both are entrepreneurs: looking for ways to make more money, become famous or well known, and searching for more, better, bigger.

They wake up at night trying to find new ways to improve, advance, or do better in some area.

As for me, I love them both, enjoy being with them, listen and offer suggestions and feedback, and applaud their creativeness.

But, I sleep through the night peacefully, enjoy my work, and am quite happy plugging along savouring nameless mediocrity.

i-pod wars

Two friends came to my place on Saturday.

All of us have i-pods.

By the end of the night we were fighting over who was going to be the next to plug their i-pod into my stereo.

Everybody wants to be the DJ!

My Wheel Chair

About 5 months ago I bought a wheelchair at a recycle shop.

I didn't need it, but for 1000 yen (about $10) it was a bargain.

I pretended not to notice the look on the clerk's face, forked over the money, and took it home.

Ever since I was a kid, I've always wanted one.

And now I am the proud owner of one!

I think most people, who don't need them, have a fascination with wheelchairs.

There is something about sitting in that seat and wheeling yourself around.

I had a BBQ party and 90% of those who came either sat in the wheelchair or took it for a spin.

I could see on a few friends' faces that they were debating whether they should get one too.

We could have races on weekends!

Belly Buttons

I always try to learn the word for belly button in different languages.

Why?

I am terrible at learning languages, but one word isn't so bad to remember.

and

It appeals to my sense of the trivial.

I'm not going to list all the different words because I would embarrass myself trying to spell them.

You will have to take my word for it.

Mongolian Blue Spots

Mongolian Blue Spots are flat birthmarks with wavy borders and irregular shapes, common among people of Asian, East Indian, African, and Latino heritage. They may be seen in about 10% of Caucasians to over 90% of African Americans. Bluish gray to deep brown to black skin markings, they often appear on the base of the spine, on the buttocks and back and even sometimes on the ankles or wrists. The pigmented area has large concentrations of skin cells called melanocytes, with normal skin texture. They commonly appear at birth or shortly after birth and may look like bruises. They usually fade after a few years and disappear by puberty.However some persist into adulthood.

Being caucasian, single, and not having much to do with babies; I didn't know about this until I came to Japan.

A friend of mine worked in a Daycare/English playtime centre for a year, and as part of his job he accompanied/assisted children using the bathroom.

He casually mentioned this phenomenon to me one day, to which I told him he was pulling my leg and I wasn't that gullible.

He insisted it was true, and I kept a doubtful expression on my face until I could check the internet.

Now you know.

And I know.

Orphaned

I am an orphan.

I haven't always been one.

Actually, I only became one a year and a half ago.

At that time I was battling the stigma of coming from a single parent household.

Okay, I hadn't lived at home for a long time, but I was still insecure around people who had two parents: more Christmas presents, 2 signatures on the birthday cards, a bit more choice when hitting someone up for money.

I was jealous.

Now I have to deal with this orphan business!

I don't know how my brothers and sisters are coping with this dilemma.

They are pretty tight-lipped on the subject.

I think they are in denial.

Maybe they have moved on.

Maybe it's a maturity thing: they are all older than me.

Maybe they have adjusted.

It's too early to start living life as an orphan.

I think I'm too old for an orphanage.

I don't think I am adoptable.

Everone is looking for a newborn: a bright faced bundle of joy.

or

A world-wise spunky kid: they've watched Annie too many times.

No one wants a 43 year old orphan.

Pushing Buttons

My life is filled with never-ending moments of button pushing.

There is always another button to push!

When I was a kid the only button I ever pushed was my Mother's!

Maybe you turned on the TV with a button, if you didn't have the switch type.

Everything had a switch!

Now, it's buttons on the TV remote, computer, air-conditioner, rice-cooker, hot-water thermos, laundry machine, bank machine, phone, blah, blah, blah, .......

The worst for me is: the heaters in my place.

No central heating, so I have kerosene heaters that need reassurance that I am still conscious every 2 hours.

The warning music is painful; the physical act of getting up and pushing those damn buttons makes me feel like a rat in one of those lab experiments.

If the heater gave me something when I pushed the button, other than heat, it would be better!

Maybe a peanut or two would be nice.

Wrestling Coathangers Again!

It's a sunny Saturday morning and I am listening to the steady dripping sound of snow melting off the roof.

I was just on my balcony hanging up a load of laundry: in Japan dryers are not very common.

14 shirts this week! it must be a record!!

I can't wait until my socks are done.

Stay tuned....

Oh Yah!

I wrestled with coat hangers too.

Sorry got sidetracked by the 14 shirt phenomenon.

No Belly Button

When I was born, the doctor stole my mother's belly button.

The doctor offered to remove the excess skin my mother had accumulated in the stomach area from pumping out so many kids.

In the bargain he removed her belly button as well.

To be fair, this was in pre-cosmetic surgery days; and my mother wasn't big on bikinis anyway.

I remember being called a liar in 1st grade by my doubting friends.

I dragged some of them back to my place after school and begged my mother to show her buttonless midriff to my friends.

She didn't.

But she did confirm my story as true.

It would have been better if she had shown it though.

Cheese Makes me Sweat

I like blue cheese. I like it a lot!

But when I eat it, it makes me sweat under the eyes.

Actually most strong cheese has the same effect on me.

When I mention this to people, 90% say this is impossible and accuse me of not knowing my own bodily functions.

But 10% say it also happens to them.

So.... does strong cheese make you sweat under the eyes?

Ear Cleaning

I had my ears cleaned a few weeks ago.

I usually do it myself with Q-tips or cotton buds or whatever other name those things go by.

But there was an ear cleaning place in the shopping centre I visited and I was curious.

All the staff had those hospital uniforms on. I like those.

I had to fill out a form with questions like:

Have you ever had ear problems?

Have you ever had your ears professionally cleaned?

When was the last time you cleaned your ears?

What kind of wax do you have? soft or hard?

And a few other similar ones.

They sat me in a nice space-aged chair, put a video camera in my ears and let me have a before look.

I got the after look when they finished: but it looked about the same to me.

The technician had a little wooden/plastic scraper with what looked like a little spoon on the end of it.

She dug and scraped one ear and then switched over and dug and scraped out the other ear.

It was all very relaxing.

After that she swabbed my ears with something and then gave me an ear massage for about 5 minutes. She gave me the vulcan mindmeld treatment (sorry, I used to be a STARTREK fan) hitting all the pressure points, if there are any; pulled my ears a bit too much; and then gave my ears another swab of something for good measure.

Overall it was very enjoyable, although a bit expensive.

They even gave me a point card!!!

Suicide Coffee Please!

7 years ago I went into a Starbucks in Japan and ordered a coffee of the day.

I proudly said in Japanese, "jisatsu no kohi onegaishimasu".

Translated I said, suicide coffee please.

The correct words for today's coffee is honjitsu no kohi.

The woman who took my order gave me the coffee of the day with a straight face.

20 minutes later I ordered another suicide coffee; I got my coffee of the day with a straight face again.

I love Japan!

Wrong Answer

An ex-girlfriend once asked me, "Would you jump in front of a bullet for me?"

I replied,"I'd take a suction cup dart at close range; or maybe a pea from a peashooter blown by a small child with breathing problems."

She wasn't impressed.

but

those peas can really sting sometimes.

It's Universal

People will always laugh at 2 dogs having sex!

Shaking hands with a little kid is always hygenically risky!

No one will admit that their country has crap food!

People with glass eyes shouldn't go to marble competitions!

3 Cheers for the Uvula

The uvula plays an important role in the articulation of the sound of the human voice to form the sounds of speech. It functions in tandem with the back of the throat, the palate, and air coming up from the lungs to create a number of guttural and other sounds. Consonants pronounced with the uvula are not found in English; however, languages such as Arabic, French, German, Hebrew, Ubykh, and Hmong use uvular consonants to varying degrees. Certain African languages use the uvula to produce click consonants as well. In English (as well as many other languages), it closes to prevent air escaping through the nose when making some sounds.

And I just thought it was there so that drawings of the inside of your mouth looked cool!!

As an English speaker, I am way underusing my Uvula!

Sympathy

When I was a child my father used to say:

"If you are looking for sympathy, look between shit and syphilis in the dictionary."

Ahh! Childhood memories.

I guess that is why I'm good at spelling.

A Short Story 2

Someone was banging on my door. I put down my cup of coffee and went to see who it was. When I opened my door, I saw Mrs. Johnson my next door neighbour.

"The birds are eating my husband!", she blurted out hysterically.

"What?", was all I could come up with for a response.

"The birds are eating my husband! Help me!", she repeated.

I didn't believe it; not for an instance. But I humoured her and put on my shoes and followed her as she hurried towards her backyard.I knew Mr. Johnson had died a month earlier of some unpronouncable illness that affects the elderly. I was thinking Mrs. Johnson must be having a nervous breakdown, or at the very least was drowning her loss with a little too much medicinal brandy.

I was just deciding what the next plan of action should be, when we entered her backyard.There were about 50 crows scattered across her lawn feasting on something in the grass: pecking the ground, squabbling, cackling, flapping their wings to hold their territory.

Mrs. Johnson looked at me speechless with tears in her eyes, and collapsed into a patio chair.

It was then that I saw her husband's urn, sitting on the table beside her, empty.

Another Page Off the Calendar

Goodbye February! Hello March!

I love ripping the pages off calendars.

You get to start with a nice clean month.

The calendar I have in my kitchen is too heavy for the blue tack I'm using to hold it up.

It keeps falling down, but I'm too lazy to get another wad of blue tack out and stick it on their properly.

I would use pushpins or a big nail, but I'm in a rental house and don't want to put too many holes in the walls.

It should probably stay up there by itself by June or July.

Jigsaw Puzzles

I don't do crosswords, word searches, or sudoku; and I've only dabbled in word jumbles.

My first love are puzzles: jigsaw puzzles!

I like the 1000 piece cartoon style puzzles.

My favourite are the Wasgij type: the picture on the box isn't the picture you do, it's just a clue. Usually one character is circled on the cover, and the actual puzzle is of what he/she can see.

It's pretty straight forward.

They used to have a puzzle solution picture in a sealed envelope in the box, just in case you couldn't figure it out. Not anymore, they've gone cheap on the new series.

I go through cycles. I'll do 3 or 4 in a row and then forget about them for 6 months. Then the urge starts again, and I start visiting toy stores in search of a new one.

My friends laugh at me and make sarcastic remarks about my time wasting pointless pursuit. When they visit, they examine my puzzle and sneakily put in a piece or two with a bored expression on their face.

But I can see the glimmer in their eyes.

I like everything about the puzzle experience: from ripping the cellophane wrapper off the box to watching it fall apart as I put it back in the box after completion.

And all the steps in between:

- flipping all the pieces right side up.

- finding all the edge pieces and corners.

- completing the edges.

- joining floating sections together, like continents colliding.

- anchoring a big section to the frame.

- connecting top to bottom and side to side.

- being frustrated.

- looking for pieces on the floor.

- bravely tackling difficult sections.

- searching for that funny shaped piece with the indescribable colour.

- and gearing up for the final push until I discover where the last piece fits and insert it.

It's just you and the puzzle.

It has your complete attention; everything else disappears.

It's a " journey not the destination" activity.

It's a 100% positive experience.

Starting with chaos and finishing with harmony.

I usually keep them together for a week, unless I have another one to do.

Then it is back in the box and into the cupboard, stacked on top of all the other boxes containing pieces of my time well spent.

Routine Check-up

My life seems to be on auto-pilot: it's one big routine.

Days, weeks, months slip by with me just sleepwalking my way through them.

I usually enjoy a routine.

I know what to expect: no surprises.

Change is usually bad.

But sometimes I question my routine.

Why am I doing this?

Is it really necessary?

Is this the right way?

Should I be doing something else more constructive?

I'm not talking about Why am I here? or Is this what I really want to be doing with my life? questions.

This is on a smaller scale: just minor adjustments.

I think I usually waste my mornings: get up late, drink coffee, and go on the computer. Sometimes I shuffle around with bedhead until noon!!Once a week I do have to work in the morning and I sometimes get motivated and go to the gym, but usually I just piss my mornings away.

I'm always happy when the weekend arrives.

I don't know why: I usually don't do anything too exciting, even less in the winter.

I guess it's not what I am doing, but what I'm not doing: working!

I need to make some small changes to perk me up: maybe get up earlier, have a shower right away, avoid the computer's gravitational field, get out and about more.

I think if I concentrate on mornings for now, the rest will follow.

note: I bet you thought this was going to be about a trip to the doctor's from the title!

My Lighter Just Died

My lighter just died.

It still had lots of flint, but its fuel ran out.
It was just a freebie they give you when you buy a carton of smokes, but some lighters are more special than others.
I become attached to some. Usually longevity and reliability are the key factors for becoming attached to a lighter.
Some crap out after a day or too, some get left behind somewhere, some are untrustworthy. With the latter ones, I usually keep them in my van as backups.

The good ones seem to last forever. I've had lighters that have worked for a month after my naked eye couldn't detect any fuel in them!

There should be a Hall of Fame for good lighters!